The Paul Thomas Anderson Stage Revue we'd mentioned a while back was finally unveiled last night at Largo, where Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph reportedly performed a succession of new sketches with Jon Brion's musical accompaniment. And according to one eyewitness who espied Jack Black and Paul Dano among his fellow attendees, the show was a little less There Will Be Blood than Punch-Drunk Love, with liberal, Altmanesque doses of I Really Don't Feel Like Writing Another Feature-Length Screenplay Right Now tossed in for good measure:

After the audience stood up for a Spanish version of "God Bless America," the actors sat down and got right into it. First up we met a couple whose love for alcohol is at the center of their connection, then a couple getting to know each other over a complicated personality test (Armisen: "Do you often have emotional outbursts without thinking them through?" Rudolph: "What kind of fucking question is that?"), then a third couple on their first date as they discuss stuffed animals (Rudolph: "When I was little, I used to put Snoopy between my legs and just hump him so hard. I humped him and humped him until his nose broke off.").

Sorry — spoiler alert? The (re)viewer notes that the vignettes comprised roughly 15 couples in all, with little more connective tissue than its author's irreverence and the SNL veterans channeling it. It can't be any worse than Baby Mama. Find out for yourself if you're feeling adventurous and can manage to mug a ticketholder; even Craigslist has nothing doing for tonight's second and final show.

• Paul Thomas Anderson’s Top-Secret Play Revealed [Vulture]
• Maya Rudolph and Fred Armisen [Largo]

Cinematic tough guy Clive Owen received some bad news via his Blackberry outside the London branch of celeb sushi spot Nobu on Tuesday night. Apparently, the die-hard Liverpool F.C. fan got the news that the club had lost a mid-fielder for the upcoming season. Owen said, "There must be a bunch of Manchester wankers in the Visa office. Maybe I should go over there and give those droogs a swift kick to the yarbles."

[Photo Credit: Flynet]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Still looking fabulous in a swimsuit at the age of 42, Cindy Crawford was all about showing off her bikini bod on George Clooney’s yacht in Sardinia, Italy on Tuesday.

The supermodel and her husband Rande Garber have been the guests of their “Ocean’s Thirteen” stud host all week, as they’ve tooled around the Mediterranean Sea in his luxury yacht.

There's really no gentle way to put his, so we'll just cede the podium to Star magazine for the latest news involving Shia LaBeouf's injured hand:

Doctors have told Shia LaBeouf they may have to amputate one of his injured fingers, Star has learned exclusively.

The young star, now working on Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is likely to lose the pinky on his left hand, a source on the movie set says.

"Shia called producers yesterday and told them," the source on the set in Alamogordo, N.M. says. "It's really thrown the movie into turmoil."

We love how the source is big enough to see this digit-loss tragedy from multiple points of view, including the logistical nightmare it presents for Transformers 2's continuity editors. If CGI can turn an 18-wheeler into a walking, talking robot, however, and return the rainforest to Sienna Miller's Brazilian, we're confident little digital appendages can also be achieved. Seriously, though, Shia—sorry, man. That sucks. But we'll still be happy to pay the $9 bucks—one per finger!—it costs to check out Fallen at the Vista on opening weekend.

• Exclusive: Shia LaBeouf Facing Amputation [Star]

Actress Eva Mendes is refusing to talk about her recent stint in rehab for fear of upsetting her mom. The 30-year-old entered Utah's Cirque Lodge center in February to "proactively" attend to "some personal issues"

Read more!

Mary Kate Olsen has been subpoenaed to testify in front of a Grand Jury as investigators hope to end the mystery surrounding Heath Ledger's drug overdose death. Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) officials in New York

Read more!

Ay yi yi: inspired, perhaps, by the evocative mashup that is The Dark Cock, Disney has decided to retool its controversial comedy Beverly Hills Chihuahua into an empowering political fable worthy of Manohla Dargis. No longer simply a slapstick stereotype-fest, it's now the story of a lone chihuahua birthed Athena-like from the head of Kevin Costner and thrust into that most awe-inspiring of responsibilities: casting a vote to decide the fate of the U.S. presidential election. After two hours of sturm and drang (and the advice from his precocious liberal daughter), will he make the right choice? Spoiler alert: after a persuasive lobbying from surrogate Tinkerbell, he picks Paris Hilton. [Beverly Hills Chihuahua]

Dennis Hopper is making his mark as an artist in Europe after becoming the first living American to exhibit at the fabled Hermitage gallery in St. Petersburg, Russia. The Easy Rider star admits his artwork is largely unknown in his native America

Read more!