What is a loud, developmentally disabled summer action blockbuster to do when even Hollywood's biggest quote-whore critic won't endorse it? That's the dilemma facing The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, which, at this time Thursday, was packing a 0% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes. What a difference a day makes, however, with a glint of support finally peeking through the mounting opprobrium. In the spirit of fairness and equal time, after the jump we salute some of the independent thinkers and/or drunks brave enough to stand up for Rob Cohen's crapterpiece — even including a Pulitzer Prize winner!

Dragon Emperor doesn't exactly beg for a sequel (neither did The Mummy Returns, for that matter), but it'd be fun to watch the filmmakers try to outdo this dizzy spectacle in the arena of sheer ridiculousness. — Nathan Rabin, The AV Club

Possibly the most fun Mummy yet — call it The Uber-Mummy. — Randy Cordova, The Arizona Republic

The film's best quality is that it continues the Mummy tradition of mocking its own big-budget gratuitousness. — Christy DeSmith, Minneapolis Star Tribune

It doesn't take itself too seriously but it takes the action scenes seriously and there are some great ones. — Nell Minow, BeliefNet

Now why did I like this movie? It was just plain dumb fun, is why. It is absurd and preposterous, and proud of it. — Roger Ebert, Chicago Sun-Times

And you know what? Universal will probably have that rave on its TV spots by primetime tonight. Thanks a million, Rog.

• The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor [Rotten Tomatoes]

Where does a 75-year-old comedienne go after being banished from British TV for cussing out Russell Crowe? Well, if you're Joan Rivers, you pick your filthy mouth up off the floor and move on to the next logical place for your brand of blue humor: a Girl Scout fundraiser in Orlando, Florida.

Rivers was there as the entertainment as the Citrus Council saluted "Women of Distinction." But Joan evidently didn't distinguish herself with some attendees at the Wednesday night function at Rosen Centre Hotel. We hear that she dropped the f-bomb frequently, called women "whores" repeatedly and sounded off on what the Girls Scouts didn't teach girls.

Rivers cited Paris Hilton, who didn't earn the "wearing panties patch."

While we doubt that Hilton picked up that particular quirk from a stint in the Brownies, we do wonder what it is about famous seventy-somethings who feel compelled to keep dragging Paris Hilton back into the spotlight. People, "she's out of town not bothering anybody, thank God!" As for Joan Rivers, we eagerly look forward to her next bit of uncensored trash talk, delivered from atop the twisty slide of a McDonald's PlayPlace in Needles, California.

• Joan Rivers' insults astound, amuse at fund-raiser for Girl Scouts [Orlando Sentinel]

boomp3.com

'90s icon Sharon Stone attempted to use her star power to talk he way out of a parking ticket. Stone said, "Usually, I could just get away with an autograph head shot or my charming smile. But with this generation of meter maids, they always want a little more than you're willing to offer. Nobody wants a ticket, but I'm not going to do that to get out of it. I'm not that desperate." After serving Stone with her ticket, the meter maid explained why she turned the offer for a signed headshot. The parking enforcement officer said, "I already have her autograph. I already have a lot of autographs. The walls of my bonus room look like a dry cleaner's with all of the headshots. I'm got enough Sharon Stones. I need some Hills cast members though."

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

First came news from the Sheriff's Department that Shia LeBeouf was not the one responsible for his spectacular accident in Hollywood early Sunday morning. But surely he was not to be forgiven—pitied, maybe, as he underwent emergency hand surgery to restore his Echo Parque gang-sign-delivery capabilities—but not forgiven, for the police stated the actor "exhibiting obvious signs of intoxication." Not so, says his Transformers: Rise of the Fallen Machines director Michael Bay, who's convinced of Shia's innocence, and tells Access Hollywood he'll be writing his injuries into the plot:

“You’re gonna see — that’s gonna go away,” Bay said. “That’s fresh news… He was not drunk. He was drinking hours and hours before.”

“I spoke to him yesterday in the hospital,” Bay said. “His two fingers are pretty mashed, but we’re figuring out a way to shoot around it, kind of write it in the story.”

In a strange twist, Bay said he had a conversation with the 22-year-old actor about safety, days before his crash.

“We had a little heart to heart the week before when he bought a brand new motorcycle and I [said] ‘Dude! You cannot ride that motorcycle! If you crash, you put 1,500 people out of work,’” the director recounted. “He said, ‘Ok, I won’t ride it, I won’t ride it, I’ll just drive my truck.’”

Despite the incident on Sunday, Bay said LaBeouf has his head on his shoulders.

“The kid really has his head together and you know, he’s only 22,” Bay said. “He’s doing a great job on this movie. He’s really matured since the last one and I love working with him.”

The future of several billion-dollar franchises teetering on his bony shoulders, it's a testament to LaBeouf's unwavering professionalism that his trusted motivation-locator ("She's like the hottest chick ever, so you're thinking, like, 'I really want to do this chick!' Got it? Annnnd....ACTION!") would so ardently defend him. Still, should Bay not find a justifiable way to incorporate Shia's injuries into the sequel's plot, we have no doubt local spondylitis fundraiser and aspiring Bayian repertory player Nate of TransformNate.com would be happy to lend an unmashed hand, filling in as Shia's finger-double for Bumblebee-steering or Megan Fox-goosing close-ups.

• Transformers’ Director Michael Bay: Shia LaBeouf ‘Was Not Drunk’ During Crash [Access Hollywood]

Welcome back to Defamer Attractions, your regular guide to new hits, misses and dead ends this weekend at the movies — and considering our sudden passage into the August filmgoing doldrums, we could use all the guidance we can get. Still, Batman's dark shadow stretches into its second week while another, stinkier franchise will do all it can to vanquish The Dark Knight at the box office. Meanwhile, we fear for Kevin Costner, have a film-festival darling in mind for this week's Underdog pick, and have a bleary-eyed glance at the latest DVD releases as well. As usual, our opinions are our own, but they're also essentially failsafe, so read them and weep! Literally!

WHAT'S NEW: Barring some Joker-emulating fanboy's cackling sabotage of a few thousand projectors nationwide, this will likely be the week The Dark Knight slips out of first place behind The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Make that "first place at the box office," that is — not necessarily in our hearts, where the roundly loathing critical reaction to Mummy doesn't have us too confident in its overall superiority. But that's August for you, and despite the Batmobile at its tattered heels, The Mummy's awfulness shouldn't keep about $52 million worth of American ticketbuyers away. Sorry about that. Or, if you're up for a counterprogramming schlep to Norwalk, Lionsgate's buried Clive Barker adaptation Midnight Meat Train finally opens in one theater. Again, welcome to August. It can only get better. Really.

THE BIG LOSER: In fairness, we're checking out Swing Vote this weekend, so we don't know for ourselves yet whether or not it's a joy to behold. But let's recap for second: Kevin Costner's latest is the story of an alcoholic single dad whose vote is discovered to hold the key to a presidential election. Its plot is essentially lifted from a 1939 John Barrymore film. It's over two hours long. Costner financed it himself, and best promoted it Wednesday night as Conan O'Brian's Chinese-restroom-tour sidekick. Kevin, we really are puling for you, but why are we not encouraged?

THE UNDERDOG: Speaking of counterprogramming, the smal drama Frozen River is about as antisummer as its gets: A broke single mother (Melissa Leo) in frigid upstate New York, whose American dream consists of a new double-wide and a Christmas with actual presents under the tree, falls into an immigrant-smuggling ring with a young Native American woman (Misty Upham). That's it — that simple, that stark, and quite strong. And don't hold its Sundance Grand Jury Prize against it; for every brooding indie convention into which it trips, Leo and Upham dig out with help from writer/director Courtney Hunt's elegant eye and gut-punch plot twists. It's not an August miracle or anything, but it's easily the best thing opening in town this weekend.

FOR SHUT-INS: New DVD releases include Martin Scorsese's Rolling Stones concert doc Shine a Light, the 25th anniversary rerelease of WarGames, and a three-way tie for Must-Have-Right-Now Box Set: The Hills: The Complete Third Season; Beverly Hills 90210: The Fifth Season; and Girlfriends: The Fourth Season. Don't rush off to buy them all at once — we have a feeling they'll be there for a while.

So are we worrying too much? Is The Mummy 3 ready for misunderstood masterpiece status? Or is that Swing Vote? Or will Heath Ledger surge back to make fools of us all? We're up for anything at this point in the season — fire away below, and help us count down the days until Pineapple Express.