Free from the vapid small talk she's forced to spout on MTV's The Hills, co-star Audrina Patridge finally has her own blog, a forum where she can finally unfetter her voice and speak from the depths of her very soul ("First I use the Dermalogica face cleanser, then the toner, and then Active Moist the moisturizer!"). In between pitching skin care products and admonishing paparazzi for spying on her (then using those pictures on her blog with a Splash photo credit), Patridge operates an advice column called "Ask Audrina," where the boring sample questions are quickly outshone by the icky, feeble requests from the comments section:

Hey Audrina...
Would you go on a date with me if i came to the West Coast?

I would show you a very nice time by taking you to get some cocktails (one or two somewhere very nice - your choice...)
Then I would love to take you to dine somewhere romantic...
Then maybe a movie? Or maybe a fire on the beach...hence some dessert! Maybe we can make smores, popcorn lol, or just whatever...
You are great
Ray ...

Undaunted by this offer of "popcorn lol" from Ray, commenter Cisco ups the ante by desperately begging for Patridge's gay table scraps:

Hey Audrina,
Since you live in L.A. and are on a show that films in primarily West Hollywood, where are your gays? I'm your biggest fan and always wondered how this show manages to keep the gay culture out of the scene. My gays and I love you and think your style is sickness. We just wondered if you ladies have a connection to the community here. Thoughts?

Here are some thoughts, Ray: Maybe you're giving gay people a bad name by throwing yourself at a vapid, C-list reality star and attempting to anoint her the next gay icon! Perhaps you should focus on the real issues, as with this Defamer-submitted question to Ms. Patridge: "Hey Audrina, couldn't your last name use another 'r'? It would really help keep us from misspelling it. LOL KTHNXBYE!"

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Ask Audrina [Audrina Patridge]

Our hearts go out today to Mindy Kaling, the Office co-writer/producer/star who last night confronted the indignity of Indian-American typecasting in a wrenching appearance on Letterman. That said, to the extent we acknowledge her Emmy-nominated prime-time offerings over the last few years, we also think it best for everyone's sake that her call-center appearance in Baby Mama — complete with accent admittedly lifted from The Simpsons' Apu — found its way to history's dustbin with no more damage than it caused during last night's broadcast. We guess we can all laugh about it now, but hear the full, traumatizing story after the jump. Stay strong, Mindy. [CBS]

In a startling example of accidental domestic terrorism, the CDC announced today a major breach of its "Dane Cook Cloning" program, begun in 1997 when weaponized anthrax was found "simply not annoying enough." Clone DC-01 escaped his holding cell two weeks ago (distinguishable from his progenitor only by his tattooed sleeves), finally appearing in public to try his hand at terrible, terrible stand-up comedy during last night's episode of Last Comic Standing. The experiment was a success. We are all doomed. [NBC]

Go ahead and cancel whatever plans you have Sunday afternoon: People Magazine announced today that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's most recent celebrated offspring will make their photographic debut on the rag's Web site Aug. 3 at 4 p.m. PDT. "We're thrilled to be able to feature these pictures in People," the magazine's managing editor Larry Hackett said in a statement to the AP. "They will delight our readers who have followed the growth of the Jolie-Pitt family."

The cost of the photos has yet to be officially disclosed, with most estimates ranging between $10 million and $15 million and any proceeds going straight to charity. Really, though, no charity is greater than the soft, pulsating glow sure to radiate forth from little Knox Leon and Vivienne Marcheline, their infant peace held over from an extended, restful sojourn in the Presidential Suite of celebrity uteri. People got a bargain.

• See the First Photo of Brad & Angelina's Twins [People]

• People mag snags US rights to Jolie-Pitt twin pix [AP]

We know we gave Rosie Perez a hard time for her little Seth Rogaine gaffe on the Late Show the other week, but we kid because we love—and have since we first glimpsed her beating the shit out of the Do The Right Thing credits to "Fight the Power." On The Tonight Show last night, Jay Leno inquired as to the inspiration for her bitch-on-wheels flack character on Lipstick Jungle. As it turns out, the creation is based on a very real woman who wouldn't hesitate to plunge a pen in an eye and let the chain-attached clipboard dangle from the hollowed socket if it meant keeping a pushy gatecrasher out of an A-list-only event. Any guesses as to the Satanic flack's identity? [The Tonight Show]

boomp3.com

Jeremy Piven further cemented his reputation as one of the most rebellious actors in Hollywood on Thursday afternoon. The Very Bad Things star boldly drove around Malibu while talking on his cellular phone, which is now an illegal activity in California. Piven said, "Headsets are for nerds ands squares and I'm not a nerd by any stretch of the imagination." Then Piven flexed his muscles and gunned through the light.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pic]

*A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Allow us to recap the long, strange saga of Verne Troyer and his live-in girlfriend Ranae Shrider: first, there was the sex tape. Then, there were the accusations and overly detailed explanations of the erstwhile Mini-Me's sexual prowess. Now Troyer is accusing Shrider of assaulting him in ways that will no doubt give Mike Myers some new ideas for Austin Powers 4. Says TMZ:

Verne's killer lawyer, Ed McPherson, tells TMZ, "When you pick up a 2'8" human being and throw him to the floor, it hurts."

In the lawsuit, Troyer basically says the chick terrorized him, once picked the lock to his bedroom door, pushing away a 100 pound scooter that was used to block the door, and then throwing him to the floor."

Troyer claims his damages from all that Shrider did to him exceed $20 million.

It's a shame that what began as a simple role-play from the Love Guru trailer could end in tears and recriminations, but we admire Troyer's willingness to think big when asking for damages. However, why stop there? We encourage Troyer to drag Myers into court for a hilarious trial in which Myers would play himself, his own lawyer, the judge, and several of the jury members, each ready with a vaguely Scottish accent and a wan, outdated catch phrase.

[Photo Credit: AP]

• Verne to Sex Tape Co-Star: You Beat Me, Bitch! [TMZ]

She may be unable to share with her child's father the spoils of his critically spoojed-upon turn in what is well on its way towards becoming the highest-grossing movie of all time ($14 billion on Tuesday alone!), but all is not dark for Michelle Williams. The actress has reportedly found comfort in the arms of Torrance Community Dance Group captain Spike Jonze. The Daily Mail has been keeping a respectful distance from their blossoming love:

The pair boarded a private jet bound for Oregon yesterday along with the Brokeback Mountain actress's two-year-old daughter Matilda.

The trio were seen strolling together outside the airport, Williams at one point breaking into a broad smile.

Williams and Jonze, who previously dated Drew Barrymore, first met in 2006 when she auditioned for his film adaptation of the Maurice Sendak children's book Where The Wild Things Are.

She was offered a part, but later withdrew from the film.

We hate to scrutinize for meaning in the spilled tea-leaves of Williams's personal life, but this would make the second tortured Warner Bros. villain to romance the Brokeback Mountain star—Jonze of course being famously at odds with the studio over his vision on a $70 million children's book adaption that is rumored to be quickly swirling down a monster-fur-clogged drain. But Max eventually found his way safely back home, and we're confident this bedtime story will have a happy ending, too.

[Photo credit: Exposurephotos.com]

• Pictured: Heath Ledger's ex fiancée Michelle Williams with new love Spike Jonze [Daily Mail]