· Did we say we were done with earthquake stories? We lied. Shake it, Judge Judy! (And Judge Penny, whoever you are.) [Access Hollywood]
· Were three dimensions not enough for you to enjoy the dead-eyed zombie children delights of The Polar Express? Well, all aboard! TOOT! TOOT! The Polar Express 4-D Experience is on its way. What does the additional D get you? "Upon your arrival at the North Pole...it actually begins to snow inside the 4-D Special FX Theater and when the conductor sings 'Hot Chocolate' and the dancing waiters begin to pour, the audience can smell the delightful aroma of every cocoa cup!'" [NY Post]
· Despite a hospitalization, Elizabeth Taylor's flack insists she is nowhere near death: "Her hospital visit was precautionary. She will be returning home shortly. At present, she is surrounded by family, friends and fabulous jewels." And Pepperoni & Bacon Pizza Pops—her favorite. [ET Online]
· All hail Siaosi Tupou V, Tonga's new king! [Yahoo/AFP]
· Posters for The Canadian Filmmakers Festival feature some fine Canuckistanian send-ups of classic film images. [Super Punch]

Good news for the beleaguered Hollywood paparazzi: LAPD Chief William Bratton opposes a new proposal to place restrictions on particularly aggressive photographers. In fact, he took time out of his daily workout to tell KNBC that the problem lies not with the paparazzi but with the bad girls they photograph — a salient point made amusing by Bratton's brusque verbiage and up-to-the-minute starlet savvy (preserved on video after the jump):

"If you notice, since Britney started wearing clothes and behaving; Paris is out of town not bothering anybody, thank god; and, evidently, Lindsay Lohan has gone gay, we don't seem to have much of an issue."

Someone's been refreshing Perez! While Bratton deserves credit for advancing the idea that a starlet "going gay" could actually help curb the paparazzi explosion, we think Lindsay Lohan is a mere drop in the bucket. No, if the lesbian army on Passions has taught us anything, it's that these sapphic starlets will need to expand their ranks to the dozens or more if they even have a hope of taking on the paparazzi head-to-head. Do we smell a rumble at the Home Depot parking lot on Sunset?

• LAPD Chief Blames 'Bad Girls' For Paparazzi Drama [KNBC.COM]

And now, we promise: our very last earthquake anecdote, courtesy of reliable Hollywood lech James Woods. The former Shark star was climbing into his red SUV outside Joan's on Third when the fearsome 5.4 earth-shaker began. Then, says Page Six:

"He held tight to his door handle as some Beverly Hills ladies lunching outside held onto the table," our spy said. "When it was over, this gal with a pair of fake boobies the size of the Hollywood Hills blurted, 'Oh my God! Did you feel the earth move? Did you feel that?' Woods responded, 'Ah, so it was good for you too, my dear?' "

[Photo Credit: AP]

• QUAKE COMEDY [Page Six]

Britney Spears’s father was granted legal control of his daughter until Dec. 31, a court ruled Thursday.

Jamie Spears, 56, was named temporary conservator of her affairs on Feb. 1 following his 26-year-old daughter’s two forced hospitalizations in January. The conservatorship has been extended until the end of the year, but a progress review of the case has been set for Oct. 28.

“The extension of the conservatorship was at the request and suggestion of Britney’s doctors,” says a source close to the singer. “They’ve indicated she’s made great improvement, but it’s a work in progress. Jamie Spears doesn’t want the conservatorship to last a day longer than the doctors recommend.”

Jamie has sole authority over whom his daughter has contact with, and has hired security guards to watch her 24 hours a day. He shares control with another lawyer over her multimillion-dollar estate.

Earlier Thursday, Spears’s court-appointed attorney, Samuel D. Ingham III, told the Associated Press that he wouldn’t seek to extend the restraining order against the singer’s one-time pal Sam Lutfi, because Spears has cut all ties with Lutfi anyway.

Ingham also said that the restraining order is no longer necessary because Jamie can legally control whom his daughter sees: “During the temporary conservatorship, the conservators have the power to insure that Lutfi will not harm Britney anymore.”

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Jessica Simpson’s country music career is just kicking off, but she already has plenty of material for songs about bad boys, heartbreak and a romantic Cowboy.

Promoting her new album, Do You Know, in the September issue of Elle, Simpson, 28, says she has found happiness with her Dallas Cowboys quarterback boyfriend Tony Romo, 27, but admits the journey wasn’t easy.

“I was going through a lot of pain,” she says of life after her split from ex-husband Nick Lachey, 34, in 2005. “I didn’t try anything to change my life other than dating different types of guys and conforming to their worlds. I thought I had to be artsier, more intellectual.”

One of those guys was John Mayer, 30, who’s now dating Jennifer Aniston. The pair had a rocky year-long romance that ended last spring, but she has no hard feelings.

“John believed in the Jessica Simpson that’s within,” she tells the magazine. “He cherished our love. He helped make me the woman I am today. John is going to be an amazing man for someone, but I know that I was supposed to be with someone else.”

Simpson says Romo is different from all of her exes. “Most of the guys I dated were captivated by my heart but they had different ways of trying to get to me. Tony understands me. He appreciates my talent. He’s the first person I’ve spiritually connected with. I’m a girl that loves to be in love,” she gushes. “I love love!”

Still, not all of her tunes are happy ones: “Remember That” is about an abusive relationship. “There’s nothing on my album that you’re gonna hear that I don’t relate to or that I haven’t experienced,” she says. “Because the only way I know how to sing is from life experience. I don’t want to talk about it, but I have definitely experienced abuse in a way that I would tell people to take their heart and run.”

But things are good with Romo. While performing at a recent country music festival, she dedicated her new song “You’re My Sunday” to the QB, who is supportive of her new musical direction. “It’s the cutest thing,” she says. “He’ll say, ‘Jessica, 75 percent of the comments about your new single [’Come On Over’] are favorable.’”

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Prince William is set to add another cap to his military collection – that of Special Forces soldier.

William, 26, will spend some time with the elite corps as he nears the end of his time in the British military.

His posting will be “non-operational,” according to a palace statement, but will help teach him about the “discreet but important contribution” the services play in the British military.

The statement adds, “As with the prince’s previous attachments and visits, one of the aims is to highlight the important and often difficult work carried out by the men and women of the Armed Forces.”

A spokesman says, “This will continue his entire understanding of the military right across the piece.”

This weekend, however, William is set to start a vacation with his girlfriend of six years, Kate Middleton, 26. She has flown out to the Caribbean to be with him as he departs from HMS Iron Duke.

The fall will also see him spend some time with the Army Air Corps and the Central Staff of the military, gaining an understanding of how the British military is coordinated and directed in support of policies laid down by politicians.

Next year, he is set to begin his “kingship” training, as palace insiders have called it. The second in line to the throne will assume more royal engagements in support of his grandmother Queen Elizabeth, undertake more charity roles and gradually pick up the rudiments of his future constitutional role.

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After nearly four weeks of silence, New York Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez stepped up to the plate Thursday and responded to his wife’s demand for divorce.

In the documents – filed Thursday morning – A-Rod admits the marriage is “irretrievably broken.” But he points out that Florida is a “no fault state” and chastises his estranged wife, Cynthia Rodriguez, for mentioning “immaterial and impertinent” issues like his alleged “extra marital affairs and other marital misconduct.”

Although Madonna was not mentioned in Cynthia’s court documents – filed July 7 – her attorney called the Yankee’s association with the singer an “affair of the heart” and “the last straw.”

In Cynthia’s filing – which claimed “emotional abandonment” – she asked to keep their $12 million Coral Gables mansion. The mother of his two children, Natasha, 3, and Ella, three months, also wants a cut of his earnings during their marriage.

But, in A-Rod’s response, he argues that the divorce settlement should be determined by their prenup, which Cynthia signed a month before their 2002 wedding.

According to the documents, she did so “with the assistance of counsel of her own choosing, freely and voluntarily … and with full and complete financial disclosure of husband’s income, assets and liabilities.”

Regarding the children, A-Rod seeks shared parental responsibility for their “wealth, health, education and religious upbringing.” (There’s no mention of Kabbalah, the mystical Jewish teachings that, sources say, helped foster a bond between A-Rod and Madonna. The pop icon has denied the alleged affair.)

A-Rod admits Cynthia is a “loving and nurturing mother.” In the filing, he suggests the two work out a time-sharing custody schedule without the court’s intervention.

According to his attorneys, Alan Kluger and Jason Marks, “husband requests that both parties are designated as ‘co-residential’ parents, realizing that the children are likely to spend more time with wife given the realities of husband’s professional life.”

A-Rod acknowledges he should pay child support – and asks the court to determine a fair amount.

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· And now for some non-earthquake-related Big Brother rumbles: In one corner, we have 75-year-old contestant (and the oldest person on CBS since Murder, She Wrote), Jerry. In the other, we have professional "mixologist" Memphis, precisely one-third Jerry's age. We won't tell you how it plays out, except to say so long as you're glimpsing three-quarters-of-a-century-old armpit, Jerry's winning. [Big Brother]
· A fourth Austin Powers is reportedly being written by Mike Myers. It's a "very personal [take] with a father and son theme loosely based on his own life," meaning it's sure to feature a scene in which the old Mini Me is tossed around in the backyard. [Deadline Hollywood]
· In honor of Discovery Channel's Shark Week, a chat with a Great White. [edithzimmerman.com]
· Hitting every stop on the Interactive Ben Kingsley Accent Map would wear out even the sturdiest Amazing Race contestants. [bestweekever.tv]
· Hey—bear running around a track in high heels! [Jezebel]